Professor Mokeur's

2012-01-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

There is an unpleasant feeling,
imagine being trapped under a thin layer of crystallized water
torn between the weight of unresolved knots and the uncertainty of being a lone buoy

Today as I swam about the thoughts of us,
there's no recollection of fulfillment,
void of the catalyst for happiness.

As I stood staring up, shadows dancing about I let out a silent sigh
Relieved, disgusted, ever thankful, that, that night, my foolish attempt of revisiting old trials has finally been told off. That night I missed you, there is this hollow feeling inside feeding off my sanity. I was ready to beat the odds. With you. But you were with her.

That's the true end of us.

2011-11-13T19:37:00.000-08:00

Fragments

The slithering fear creeps along her spine, as the night hisses its dark orchestra. Tonight his fists tore her like a broken drum, arrhythmic echoes of punches painting her skin with humiliation. The children cowered under his raging shadow, silent but eyes pregnant with hatred towards this man they called father. Their hatred not hidden by any amount of fear; no lashes can cover their angsts towards her quiet submission. Drown in inaudible screams, her obedience was sewn onto her skin like a tragic birthmark. As she succumbs into complete unconsciousness the calmness of the dark blanketed her battered body. Fear was everywhere, barely hiding and it walks with her wherever she goes, it tugs the hem of her skirt as she sleeps, gently reminding her that she was its slave.

2011-11-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

no kind words, no gentle souls can unbruised this sombre being,

2011-05-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

The odd temperature
amidst the trapped air between you and I.

2011-04-25T05:47:00.000-07:00

I'm swimming in a pool of man-made torments,
Each reflection a ripple on open-wounds

2011-04-20T06:59:00.000-07:00

if love is not laced with pretense

2011-04-17T01:28:00.001-07:00

The accidental
I love yous

2011-04-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

feels like death

2011-03-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

I hate you.
I'm sitting on a warmhole because of you,
I'm restless, cruel and intangible because of you,
I hate you.
I hate you.
How do I love when you had me vacuum sealed?

2011-03-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

In time like this, in time like this,
You are mercuric to me.
Why do you punish me, as if
we never loved,
we never loved?

2011-03-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

Like a splinter buried layers deep

the whole world does not revolve around
you and your fucking feelings.
fuck off

2011-03-08T07:05:00.000-08:00

Today I have lots of love for you,
Sat by the window
la comptine d'un autre ete fading away
Crossed, in monochrome
My fingers clasped tight; my mind a dead knot
Your lingering scent; your presence, vulgar
of The Blues, of mistakes
But today,
today I have lots of love for you,
today I am all yours.

2011-03-08T07:03:00.000-08:00

Why can't we just skip the prelude
Le vent nous portera

2011-02-21T03:37:00.000-08:00

Does exhilaration ever come guilt-free?

2011-02-17T07:10:00.000-08:00

Your gaze, pregnant with filth.
Taunting, cold and cruel,
belittling my pride;
like a loud unwashed stain, sewn onto my skin

2011-01-21T21:00:00.000-08:00

Sedetik wajahmu muncul
Dalam diam

2010-12-29T21:39:00.000-08:00

Along the crease of your lips,
Along the arch of your arms,
As the last finger loosens,
I sat, tethered with strange unwelcome tautness,
trapped in a double-bind,
plotting a forlorn attempt to,
desensitize my fear.

2010-12-29T04:27:00.000-08:00

In between forced half-crescent smiles,
In midst of weird dances of angst, regret and remorse,
In time like these,
do I have to feel alive?

2010-12-28T19:52:00.000-08:00

2 inches from the edge.

2010-12-26T02:52:00.000-08:00

There was this man, whose hands fitted mine perfectly. Whose hands, I wanted to hold.

2010-12-25T00:15:00.001-08:00

This game is called,
catch me if you can

2010-12-21T22:12:00.000-08:00

Because we separate
It ripples our reflections

2010-11-26T01:00:00.001-08:00

Halt.

2010-10-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

A slow, silent death that is
you and I

2010-10-22T11:31:00.001-07:00

just, once

2010-09-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

I became you.
In a box, in a box,
Slithering lust creeps,
Limbs entwined,
Fallen into inferno
Slapped, hard, out of senses
I am you.

2010-09-02T08:51:00.001-07:00

Down, down, down.
To be with(out)

2010-08-21T07:14:00.000-07:00


Your misery has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

2010-06-01T06:35:00.001-07:00

You, you are my serendipity.

2010-03-31T05:34:00.000-07:00

Goodbye my love, この街角で
あなたは右に　私は左に　ふりむいたら負けよ

2010-03-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

All these agonizing revelations, all these pain - you said, this is an adventure, this is the pursuit of happiness. Being privileged is perhaps the most cruel punishment, I wish I have your courage.

2010-01-22T06:25:00.000-08:00

Perhaps, to be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.

2010-01-17T20:52:00.000-08:00

I must confess, I had never even dreamed of such transports. I am amazed, covered with love and gorged with all the joys of the flesh, such that I'd faint, and die. When I think of those few days, when I think of them, I can no longer think of anything but you. Feeling it in every pore, overcome with it, living only for it, I am nearly mad about you, my precious darling.

2009-12-30T05:06:00.001-08:00

The crude shavings of the tumor in my heart. I hate to indulge in this sudden realization, once again this is yet another heartache to mend. How can we realign inequitable division of this mess, this thing we called love? I'm a bitter wimp.

2009-12-06T03:36:00.000-08:00

Expectations could drown a whale in silent tears.

2009-11-26T21:17:00.000-08:00

"...I will unfold, or wherefore what to come is foul and bitter, yet the same to others can seem delectable to eat. The seeds are kept commixed in things in diver modes, each differing kind by kind. They thus consist of seeds of varying shape. Since seeds do differ, divers too must be. Some of these must be smaller, some greater, they must be three-cornered for some creatures, square for others, many round again and some of many angle in many ways. The path must vary according to their walls that bound them..."

Here we are, playing God, fiddling with the law of attraction. Today, I panicked a little losing idea of how to interpret this imperceptible wait. Agonizingly familiar, yet had me broken once again. We all know hemlock kills and opium makes a man sleep.

2009-11-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

You are the town crier that cries wolf. Cursed with undiluted and clamant need for momentum gains - we are all fair game, we are all fake, masked under residual white noise. Surely, through and through, perhaps we are allowed to efface the memory of a blazing indiscretion afterall.

2009-11-07T08:02:00.000-08:00

There is this man, whose hand fitted mine perfectly. His nails were bitten short, sunken into the odd shape of crescent. He is a diamond in the rough, obtrusively reticent, marked by the trait of an angry man. Somehow, we are all the original Clementine.

2009-10-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

Matchsticks

2009-09-04T02:27:00.000-07:00

In this strange mid-autumn night,
peel off my artichoke heart,
I love you, I love you

2009-08-28T05:25:00.000-07:00

How did we whole-heartedly agree to half measures?
How many times has love been crystalized into the act of crimes?
as if with such crude guts we shan't laugh at wilted hearts;
as if with such sensibility we can have love gilded;
as if with such,
we can call this love.

2009-08-23T01:45:00.001-07:00

Never knew lying betwixt the undeserving attention was, a bunch of motherfucking bullshit.

2009-08-08T09:13:00.001-07:00

I often wonder where would that fine point of retribution lies - in between heartaches? amidst that untaught obedience? in broken snippets of lies? or in between your arms, taut and tethered with untasteful praises, can I bare my soul?

2009-08-08T08:54:00.001-07:00

that taunting code, of the colour red;
that airless,
love

2009-07-22T05:51:00.000-07:00

So I've been told,
don't get the big idea

2009-07-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

It only takes one small push to make all these fall apart.

Why this guiltless tripping, and why this shameful epiphany?
Not as I grind to that mechanistic rondo, glistening with fat, ugly desire I took that sadistic fall;
not as I dropped, fell, and crawled out, with a giant thud, plummeting into, onto, upon, the this cradle I counted comfort on. For what I have for you, what we had, has finally became past tense. Tell me what's love for you, because I just lost mine.

My Achilles' heel.

2009-07-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

losing its flare.

2009-07-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

You know, it will never stop.

It was four in the morning and I couldn't find my way to sleep.
was it shut properly - was it sealed - was it switched - all these wild, uneasy thoughts ran amok in my mind I found myself walking against the wind, to the silver spaceship; this big, fat giant sloppy mess that I am; this unexpected failure; this incompetence thrown out of proportion; I can't deal with this but I can't cry my way out, can I?

How weird it is, I found a little comfort watching the leaves, as they dance to the waltz of the howling wind, rustling, this feeling caught me - this tiny moment had me crying - why are we bound to the derivatives of happiness, constantly seeking for it? Times like this made me think of you.

2009-06-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

no leaky holes

2009-06-28T08:50:00.000-07:00

Why does this feel so dampened - so heavy, so much of a burden?
Why does it make me cry, and can't stop thinking about wanting out?
You are right, I am stupid.

2009-06-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

/:mental offal, what else can we derive from pure failure?
madaitai

2009-05-24T04:01:00.000-07:00

こらが最後さようならだ
yokatta

2009-05-17T09:36:00.000-07:00

New dress!

2009-05-17T03:19:00.001-07:00

Times like this make me think of you

2009-05-16T03:46:00.000-07:00

Loud thumps in the skull, crying foul, and who the fuck are you? There is this constant nagging voice inside my head, I wish I could relocate the angst, and allow myself to sink back into ground zero - who needs to rebel when you are in the center of a vortex? It made me sad, truly, madly so because to feed on misery is like limping through a mental minefield, I'd rather leave than to be consumed by fear.

While we are in the middle of our half lives, while we could, before our souls slowly rot into millions of decaying possibilities, I love you.

2009-05-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

new dress!
material: floral chiffon fabric

2009-04-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

Life lysis. How permeable are you?

Today I sat amidst the faint odour of the much hated six-edged chemical, in the middle of a few nonchalant small talks, in an invisible cage, but really, as I let that uneasy feeling seep in growing to confluency, I just couldn't find meaning in it. But, really, all I want to do is cry and let out, let out, and tell you being fair isn't always right.

2009-04-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

Shapeshifter: "Equivalent entity of both parties"

I wish I could be less rigid, when it comes to that and that I could wade through at ease, at least not like this, at least not when I'm least prepared. Last friday, I was truly unhappy. Angry at the dryness of the crude awkwardness, and unhinged by broken lapse into heresy. I had thousands of thought free-flowing about, it felt as if I was chained in the middle of a vortex paralysed by fear, and I had lost my voice to vanity. A mild crescendo into absolute silence.

Sometimes I don't know why I'm still here cringing over self-made inhibitions. As absurd as it might be/sound, the greatest fear is to dwell in stolen comfort, and being made believed that it will last. Are you with me?

2009-03-17T06:16:00.001-07:00

The still pool of air
under the branch of echo.

The still pool of water
under a frond of stars.

The still pool of your mouth
under a thicket of kisses.

2009-03-14T04:47:00.000-07:00

Naked tango in tangled feet,
I want to peel off your artichoke heart,

2009-03-10T06:07:00.000-07:00

It is not a juvenile attempt nor bits shared in haste
coated with such beautiful little glimpses, many genuine feelings enveloped with silence, comfortably so and, and those brown eyes
is this love?

2009-03-08T06:19:00.001-07:00

Did not understand.

2009-03-05T06:31:00.000-08:00

You are all sort of lovely.
Oh boy　
やっぱりもう始めました
bが大好き　：）

2009-03-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

Little butterflies and fingers buried in tangled hairs,
I think I have just found my soulmate :)
Such love.

2009-02-16T23:03:00.000-08:00

I am you, before you shrivel and die.
I am you, before the yellow chrome
I am you, before us, before us.

How old are you, love?

2009-02-14T16:46:00.000-08:00

The growing fear inside is gnawing on every inches of me.
Today I'm six again, and I was never good enough.

2009-02-14T02:10:00.000-08:00

something in the milk ain't clean

2009-02-10T01:43:00.000-08:00

If you find yourself lost in an ocean of thoughts as the sudden catastrophic event had left you unequipped with slippery hands and tangled feet, please be prepared to embrace the ugly. They might be unfriendly yet there is none other that soothes better, gentler than a baby's touch.

Today I sat in the lab, with back fully bent in a distorted arch as I searched furiously for an answer, or two. There were a few lean, mean machines and little did I know these things count, and I have came to love them as they sprinkle little wonders on me. My hands typed away, in a way only ferocious could be the only right word to describe the whole hunting process. There was no time for a harmless flirt as you'd constantly find yourself catatonic with concentration, eyes frozen with such immense pleasure - and all this came from just a tiny little molecules, one of the few millions in us.

2009-01-12T06:16:00.000-08:00

Right: Third dress! It's a button-up sundress, again the style is from Dotti (left), still couldn't decide if I want to add the straps.

2009-01-11T04:04:00.000-08:00

Another dress! Its a fuschia (structured)tube dress.
This one did not really end up as nice as I hope it would be.
heheeee potential ball dress???!?

2009-01-09T01:22:00.000-08:00

Yay for being a successful dressmaker :D And it surprised me that it only costs RM5 (and about 2 days of slavery) to make this dress o__o

Note: style copied from dotti sundress

2008-12-27T07:19:00.000-08:00

Life does not feel right.
At this very moment, it is as if the act of grieving itself is a strenous process - how could such monstrous disparities be tolerated? My life is a cocktail of unfortunated events easily avoidable had I known better, or if I wanted to. As of now, mourning a certain cut-off from that certain someone is hard to cope with.

One day, when you finally decide that it would not be an unwise move to read this: I didn't do it. That is why I chose to leave and that is why I reburied the freshly unearthed truth - it broke my heart and I did not know one can get heartbroken so many times by the same person.

Life really does not feel right now.
I'm angry at so many things. Angry that my baby brother was sent to a deserted camp infamously reported for its mysterious diseases. Near hundred were hospitalized. My babybro is too precious for that.

2008-12-15T22:43:00.000-08:00

Ashes to ashes

IF only I could coin it rightfully
There, ashes to ashes
After an Alex, numerous attempts to unwind unpleasant looks
I am a cockroach with no shame
Now you know how I'd felt

2008-11-20T20:24:00.000-08:00

From there, there was just goodbyes.

Good morning, stranger.

How long has it been? You have been gentle to the soul, I almost wanted to tell you I'd leave him for you, and I'd love you like she does. Yes, it has been long, long enough to unravel unearthed truth but not long enough to pick faults. I have something to tell you, something to tell you about, about me.

If only i was able to leave, there will not be unreturned love nor uncovered lies.

If only i was able to realize, as I regain composure in the rockboat that

no matter how many attempted affairs there is no such things as getting even.

Shunned in a mudhole, alone without you. IF you would have been kinder, humbler in creating conflicts, and if you would, I would love you.

From there, there was only just goodbyes.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds

2008-11-16T18:39:00.000-08:00

Alex. alex

Prof Mokeur has a mistress called Alexis. It was the slightly-welcomed by-product of a heatful argument. He believes if he could return the favor of what laid upon himself by her, a final eclipse of the feelings we called love, can stay. He did not know then, that such unlawful act, as he thought it'd been rightfully labelled, could lead to a chain of unfortunate events. His mistress was a discrete and obedient lover, Mokeur thought of it as a harmless encounter of many starry nights, body mingling, a pleasant aesthetically pleasing change. The mistress was a stitch to a broken relationship, one that is thinly retained and readily lit like a flake of dried papyrus. Yes, he did not know it was the final tangle that would end his marriage, nor would he know that his wife would be any less undeserving of such liaison. Alexis was the perfect specimen one would go to for occasional escape from the blackhole of a relationship, and that, is what he needed. If only he'd have known, that an invisible axe has split his soul into halves of unrecognized cavity. The endless tunnel in complete darkness, and Prof Mokeur does not have the liberty to ever, ever see the either ends of it.

2008-11-16T18:34:00.000-08:00

The lethal cocktail of swirling pain called heartaches.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

There will not be total forgiving side, nor loopsided pretense.

2008-10-29T01:49:00.000-07:00

An undiluted hatred feeding inside,
as the last finger loosened,
tonight, we gnaw on misery.

2008-10-29T01:29:00.000-07:00

It must be the summer heat.
As silence enveloped us, something stalled inside me.
I hope you are happy.

2008-09-28T03:16:00.000-07:00

Bastard.

2008-09-18T07:55:00.001-07:00

Tired -this is the only word that could describe everything that is in life for now.

Some Updates:

Apparently Anwar has failed us in reformation of a new government as the dawn of 16th September turned to dust. Being one who used to idolize Dr M because, well, he always seems to be the most perfect father figure in the politics - daring, bold, and intelligent, I am just clueless. As things spiral downward for Malaysia, it is as if supporting the once protegee of Dr M has became the litmus test for political correctedness. I just wish for a peaceful settlement, and perhaps a little breakdown of the whole racial wall drama.

Came home today to bibimpap and bunch of flowers! It struck a string in my mind that screams foul play instantly. What awful thought. I guess when one chose to pull the trigger and ignite an immense doubts, it takes the whole of a genius/idiot to detonate it: now let's see who would burn faster, stronger?

I got my paycheck few days back without knowing it! I thought I was broke and was leeching off as much as I could. Fuck that for many unfruitful, tortuous window shopping.

Apparently someone - no, a few person think I need anger management. Someone pointed out that my first greeting to him in the morning everything was like this - I'd stretched my back, gave a little snort (!), and squeal (!!) "Hey BITCH/ASSHOLE". WHAT THE FUCK! I am the least angry person!

I hate man who thinks that they have certain skills that are superior than yours, and they feel like there is a need to inform you repetitively and insist on giving you "friendly" demonstration despite the fact that I clearly said, No. I'm getting sick of the OLD MAN - he annoys the shit out of me and i just wish he could stop yakking. Fuck.

2008-09-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

: Domestic Violence

All the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
On a Friday
My hair smells of faint chemical

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

2008-09-11T01:41:00.000-07:00

Kim-wipe

There will not be complete wipe-off, nor total forgiving side. A peripheral, well-aligned plot: who would not want a happy ending? Just that, I came to realize, skirr as hard as one can,
there will not be complete wipe-off, nor total forgiving side.

A concentrated, honest guilt, seeping in, soaking up, swirling away. Yes, it does suck so bad.
I am happy, because I am not without guilt I can live as free as you are.

On a very unrelated note, the raw crudeness make me spin. If sitting in the middle of vortex does not make you swell, I don't know what would.

2008-09-04T06:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.haoting.com/htmusic/244088ht.htm

2008-08-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

The sum of all fear.

I love baileys, I love you, and I love the fact that you brought me one. There was always a sudden thud as I slipped into a full immersion of dreams, I hate those painful unexpected jolts that send chills to the back of your mind, and those that would leave tingling, and undiluted uncomfortable feeling. As I sat back fuly perplexed at the unsightly truth I told myself, what is there to be loathe, and what is there left to be hold? I had myself.

I love polaroids, I love you, and I love the fact that you brought me some. Friday night, saturday morning, and a weeping widow. I bit my fingernails, they have now became sunken into an odd, uneven crescent and it stung a little. Pain, and more. I embrace the pain in truth and for that, I am thankful at this moment I still have a little sanity left to keep me going. Emotional warp and brown cashmere jersey. My hands fitted into the arch of yours, my full moon on a strange mid-autumn dream.

Have some, please.

2008-08-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

Hola! Lab is awesome today, I learnt that organic chemistry in NMR differs from that of peptide chemistry, and tried to get my hands on Sparky and TOCSY. I have my own station in the lab, which is pretty cool.

On the other hand, distances gave nuances in love. My naked tango in tangled feet, a lost serendipity.

2008-08-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

Today, I woke up from a great twelve hours of what I'd love to call my uninhibited slumber. It was wonderful, a serial dreamer's wish held in hand, and I was loved. I dreamt of you: turning your back to me, calling me names, callous words ricocheting, and out of this sudden outburst of intangible, undistinguishable cobweb I ran, I chased and I got caught. At that very moment, with a polaroid camera on my left hand, and pieces of broken glasses draping all over my arm like a loose cloth I stood in a puddle of red. There was not any pain, nor was any proof of my existence. I did not know anymore, what's mine, and what's yours. You were dead, and I was there watching.

It took me few minutes to register the meaning of the series of event that had just laden on me, chasing after me like a ghost train. And then I realized, I did not mean to, I did not mean to bring you back to life.

2008-08-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

She was young and untold. A reindeer on the run, a mother in anguish, assigned task fared badly. There was something beautiful in her: she tilted her pen with the blunt edge of the tip rested on her thumb, her fingers found their way leafing through papers and it didn't matter and her hand bleed, a blend of red and blue, viscous and a piercing sight. There was something beautiful and I love watching every moment, its retake and I absorb every little details they are too precious to lose to a stranger.

If I have to name this feeling, I will need to tell you how it felt. At first, it was a ripply nauseous, unkempt, unsolved emotions that was let ran wild. Angry words hurled couldn't be taken back and feelings hurted couldn't be told to heal. No, it wasn't mere anger, nor it was just remnant of agony. There is nothing worse than being struck by ungentle truth, and to end it with violent denial. I will tell you how it felt, it felt as if you had me in your hands, you had me in your arms, you had me, yet you did not want to. And what came next, I do not know how I can explain to you, and I do not know how I can tell you that all is well, I was sensible and that I am okay, as he held me, as he held me close.

This is an ambush of kept secret, do you want more?

2008-08-12T03:18:00.000-07:00

too young to fall asleep

2008-08-11T01:53:00.000-07:00

I have never been this rigid, both physically and mentally in a room full with academics. As they went on presenting their ideas for future proposal, the sceptics challenged, the professor questioned, while the rest jotted, nodded, heaved and agreed, the colourful salad of intelligence pools. I sat amidst free-flow of information, those beyond my comprehension, I could only nodded to their foreignness to compensate for being minute, inadequate, unprepared and confined. I have always been a textbook person, a retard in criticality.

Because I am in the team, my lackings should not, cannot and shall not be one anymore. Today I took my first step into real world of NMR, cone snail, cyclotide, and fundings. Now, I refuse to sit back in collected poise and claimed that I am fully prepared, this is a battle of conotoxin and a scared protogee. I will kill it before it kills me.

2008-08-08T02:55:00.000-07:00

Come a little wiser.

Things have been excellent: I secured a place with Craik, with only three courses in hand, and great floormates who hit it off with me almost instantly. Nothing much except for I've been happy and probably certain absence of someone too.

2008-08-03T03:45:00.000-07:00

We are always wanting. Someone, something, and somehow, we often got lost trying. Come a little twist, come a little less, we flinch with those which come in half measures. There will be the same phase for every person, girl, lover, father, and every friends. In many feeble attempts we try to attend to expectation laden upon us, we hope to wade through, and grow by feeding on needs. Such is the way we would expect our life would be, effort shown would be appreciated and there will be no unreturned love.

If only, I am a little wiser, just a little wiser I wish I had your best interest in mine, and with mine intact with nothing less than that of yours. Because, today I stood before you with my heart tore open, exposed, fragile yet I could not plead, I could not beg. There is no solution to man-made heartaches, and countless unanswered knocks on the door.

I finally felt what I needed to feel, being awared, and finally hit by the sharp pang of realization. There will be no quelled frustration, nor uninhibited emotion because we're already been there, damaged, and broken up. I have only this much of courage, to travel this far, to brave the wave, to be yours.

My serendipity, my other self, there will not be cure to my loss, there will not be enough compensation to nurse our wounds but someday, some time, far from today, I will be glad that I did, what I did today.

2008-07-31T18:04:00.000-07:00

Re-enactment. It is my turn. My side of story.

2008-07-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

It took me a good few years to realize some people just will not change. When you thought in exchange of friendship, there will at least be appreciation, that isn't always true.

It will be a less crowded semester, hopefully I won't feel like I'm in the the center of a voltex again. On the other hand, I have just been told yesterday that the paper that I worked on is going to be published soon. I'm happy

2008-07-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

終わる

Today is, me being trapped in washing machine at high spin mode. I couldn't stop the trains of thoughts inside, and there was nothing I can do when asked for a harmless embrace. It must has been the fear, I thought to myself and decided such feelings were unworthy. They have now seep into the deepest layer of guilts, when the distance of life and death is only one strand of hair apart.

I can't undo my mistake.

2008-07-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

Monday, 2.38pm

It is a tad too windy today, the leaves rustle gently as the wind glides. I wished I know a better way of expressing what I really want, because each and other way I always ended up running away. There was this awkward tension in the room. B was there and it was hard to decipher the meaning behind every little action. It could just be a simple act of pretense, or maybe something genuine that I had, overlook, yet again.

There was not any pleasant, proper goodbyes, nor any hugs. I made a mistake too, didn't I? As I rummage thorough strings of reasoning in my head, the many feeble attempts to adjunction few snippets of arguments did not really end up in a safe conclusion. Your mistake, and my mistake cannot, and does not cancel each other out.

I teared enough to not cry for you anymore. I cannot find a way to put my hand at your lower back without struggling to annihilate the awkwardness in the act itself. Can your lies be dismissed? Have you tried enough?

My mistake is bigger than yours. I'm sorry.

2008-07-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

The Wednesday.

Today I rested on the serenity I earned, I smiled for the courage I never thought I have, and stopped being in denial.

IF you ask me who was the bigger fool, and who has the bigger crime.
It's me.

2008-07-13T06:44:00.000-07:00

Now that I can finally be honest to myself, the is going to be the last time you lie to me. I have lost count of you chosing dishonesty over me.

2008-07-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

Today you left early in the morning, I sent you off and slipped back to sleep. Several hours later I woke up with a twinge of loneliness as I sat on your couch, it smells of the faint odour of your sweat. Holding back many attempts to call you, I texted you instead, wishing you the best of luck in your test. As I checked my mail, packed my things up and finally locked your door, I leaned against the wooden doa, my heart lost its crispy thumps I teared a little inside.

As I held her hand, walking along George Street I wondered which building were you in at that moment. Was it the tall. blue building over there? Would us, coincidentially meet before you leave, again? As my mind wandered about with you just about everywhere, I teared a little inside and I missed you so much.

It was a wednesday. I repeatedly told you to hurry up so that we would not miss the bus. You complained a little telling me it was still early. You would not understand, I was looking forward to every little things ahead. As you walked with me, holding my hands tightly and gave me that little pat at the back as you always do, I smiled to this, I smiled to this little bliss I could lay my hand on, felt it touch and have not lose it yet.

You slept through the first half of the movie on my shoulder. This is not your typical love story, I thought to myself. I was supposed to scream, fluster and hide behind your manly arms but you fell asleep on my side with faint snores from time to time. The movie was called, Mongol. The story of your life, you claimed. The glorious history made by your ancestor, you said. I squirmed a little as I saw the Genghis Khan bearing awfully strong resemblance to you. "You do look like a mongolian", I whispered and you snorted as if someone has just pissed on your ancestor's grave. It was till the end that I realized the main actor was played by a Japanese, whose name was same as yours, Nobu-sama.

Dinner was okay and to be honest, that was the first time I could feel completely comfortable eating with you. You held my hand and kissed it, and told me random things that is going on. I teared a little inside as I found myself could not remember the last time I was sincerely concern nor care about you. I took yours and squeeze it tight with all my might, as we headed back the night was cold.

It's a saturday and I miss you. See you on wednesday.

2008-07-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

The Polaroid

You got me standing in an awkward position, with unwanted attention. How are you, big boy? How are you coping, and how are you doing? The trembling skylines, my unchallenged battle.

I love you.

The Big Bang

Dark. It was really dark. There was a loud thud near the window, with black curtain, by the station. Did it scare you? My baby, are you still afraid?

The Mer, Alex

Hello. I am scared. Will you be gone, long before dawn? Skeleton, we are all so close. Are you for keeping?

2008-06-27T22:43:00.000-07:00

Need an aim